


dont feed the scientists

by Cerise_anouk



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Darcy Lewis is Tony Stark's Daughter, Darcy's Boobs strike again, F/M, Humor, Mystery Men everything, Steve is SO the Shoveler, here there be ridiculousness, or someting, pre-James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 14:39:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8060269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerise_anouk/pseuds/Cerise_anouk
Summary: There's a Reason that Steve avoids the R & D department at the upstate facility.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this other than wishing that I could see the Mystery Men and the Avengers meet. it would be epic.

“Shit,” Bucky straightens up out of his fighting stance, and clutches at his left arm as it starts twitching and spasming uncontrollably, a result of him blocking a blow from Steve’s shield with it. The two remaining Howling Commandos were taking advantage of the lull in HYDRA leads to get in some sparing time in the Avengers’ upstate facility gym, going all out on each other.

Rising from his own defensive crouch Steve walks over to his friend to check out the damage, “How bad is it?”

“I don’t know. Wiring’s fucked and it keeps tryin’ta re-calibrate but somethin’s triggering it to repeat,” his Brooklyn accent thickening with his frustration. The two watch for a moment as the plates shuffle up and down to the low sound of whirring and clanking gears and servos then stop for a second, seeming to finish whatever it is they’re trying to do, then the process started all over again.

Steve sighs and runs a large hand through his sweat dampened hair, “Damn. Alright, let’s head over t’ R and D and see if Tony’s in.”

Leaving their gear where it lay, since nobody but the Avengers and those close to the team were in residence at the remote facility, the two super soldiers exit the state of the art gym in their training clothes, forgoing showers and snagging fresh towels on the way out to wipe the sweat from their skin instead and meander their way down the wide, open corridors filled with midday spring light shining through the glass windows that serve as one of the hall’s walls towards the research and development wing of the base.

After they’d cracked the code on Bucky’s programming, and he and Tony had talked it out (yelled, screamed, shouted, more like) and the Sokovia Accords were revamped and edited, (read: thrown out, burned and never spoken of again) and all the vigilante Avengers were given full pardons, Tony’d convinced them to move into the converted warehouse on a permanent basis. But ever since his return from self-imposed exile Steve had avoided the science ward.

During his extended Wakandan vacay, while he had been focused on fixing Bucky and keeping his friends out of underwater prison, Bruce had returned from wherever he’d gone on walkabout to and Thor’d moved his Lady Love Dr. Jane Foster and her quirky assistant into the facility. Tony had promptly set them up in his workshop, sequestered from the rest of the science rooms, preferring to keep Banner and Foster close to bounce ideas off of and pick at their projects whenever he wanted. While what they came up with was both amazing and useful to the team on a regular basis, the dynamics and atmosphere created by them being all together was a little….overwhelmingly weird and strange. Steve was a big enough man to admit that he was slightly scared of what went on in there.

 The first time he’d walked in blind to R&D and seen Dr. Foster crouched under some space machine or another yelling incomprehensibly, another woman who was standing on top of a work station holding a taser at the ready and Bruce standing in the center of the room covered in strange purple goo while Tony rolled on the concrete floor laughing. Obviously just having missed some crazy experiment gone wrong, Steve had slowly backed out before he was noticed and kept a wide berth of the place ever since. Usually he could get out of having to go there with some crafty finagling. 

But now a trip to the twilight zone was unavoidable. He _could_ send Bucky there on his own to get his arm looked at, but since it was _technically_ Steve’s fault he needed to go there in the first place he felt obligated to accompany his friend. Plus, Steve didn’t believe in sending a teammate into a possibly hostile situation without back up. Buck’d do the same for him if their positions were reversed.

As the duo drew closer to R&D Steve felt himself get tenser with every step, and he could hear the indistinguishable sounds of a man screaming and an electric guitar wailing. Turning the last corner on the way there, the super soldiers run into a visiting Clint, dressed in his civi’s. Clint continued to operate as a semi-retired team member, only coming in when there was a heavy need for him.

“Clint,” Steve says with a genuinely pleased smile. Bucky nods his greeting.

“Cap. Sarge,” Hawkeye returns in greeting, wearing his customary shit-eaters grin. Taking in their ensemble of tee’s and track pants and Bucky’s twitching arm, he makes the accurate guess, “Sparing accident?”

“Took a shield to the shoulder,” Bucky murmurs with his customary pout. Looking weak in front of any of the team members never failed to get his back up.

“Bad luck, man,” Barton says, stuffing his hands in his pockets as they continue their trek together, the archer obviously headed to the same destination as them.

“What brings ya here, Clint?” Steve asks. It’d been a while since he’d seen the man around the base; usually he was in and out back to his farm and family.

“Stark was _supposed_ to have some upgraded arrows for me to test out a few days ago. He hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts, so I figured I’d stop by and see what he’s got anyways,” he shrugs as if to say ‘what else can I do?’.

As they get closer to the labs the music, (or what Steve begrudgingly thinks passes as music these days) gets louder and as the sliding doors whoosh open to admit them into the work shop it comes blaring out at them like an assault to their ears.

_“I’m your tur-bo luvah!!”_

Steve winces and Bucky grimaces; Clint just starts to bob his head to the beat.

Taking up the center of the workshop is the obvious reason that Tony had failed to get back to the archer in a timely manner. A colossal silver monstrosity that Steve _thinks_ is supposed to be some sort of vehicle in the tail ends of construction. Bits and pieces of metal and wiring are strewn about the shop floor and the room smells like a combination of motor oil, antifreeze, burnt stuff and stale coffee. Bruce and Tony stand at the head of the thing, deep in conversation and gesturing wildly at it in random intervals. The gamma radiation expert has the sleeves of his very rumpled lavender dress shirt rolled up, one side of the tails has come untucked and his slacks have mysterious dark stains on them. Tony, in his customary eighties rock band shirt (Cinderella? What, seriously?) and jeans is equally as rumpled and stained, with his hair sticking up as though he’d ran his hands through it and pulled a few thousand times.

Sitting oblivious on the cement floor cross-legged is Dr. Foster, holding up what Steve thinks is some sort of scanner to the thing for a moment then typing furiously away at the laptop sitting in her lap, bobbing her fuzzy bun topped head to the beat of the music. A flash draws his eye to the rounded top of the vehicle where a slight figure wearing a welding mask with a long brown ponytail sticking out of the top is kneeling hunched over a section of sheet metal, putting the blow torch they hold in a gloved hand to work.

“FRIDAY, kill the music!” he calls loudly, making sure he’s heard over the noise.

As soon as the sound cuts out it’s like the spell that’s been cast over the room is broken and the four turn to blink owlishly at them in surprise. (Well, Steve thinks the welder does, as he can’t see them through the shield).

“Capsicle! Million Dollar Man! Katniss!” Tony cries, “Come to check out the awesomeness?” he gestures wildly at the metal beast with a proud smirk on his face.

“Uh, no. Training accident. Buck’s arm’s on the fritz and he needs it looked at.”

“Huh, well your loss, whatever, come on into my office,” the billionaire says waving him over to a wheeled metal stool with a spool of red wire sitting on it, while he grabs a rag to wipe his grubby hands on, “Take five, Kid!” He calls up at the person wielding the welder.

Bucky sits down and Tony flips an empty milk crate over and pops a squat on it, unrolling a pouch full of tiny, delicate tools specifically designed for his new arm’s maintenance. Barely giving the arm’s malfunctions a second look, Tony scans it and locates the malfunction with ease. Popping open an access panel he gets to work. Banner, Foster and the unknown worker meander over to get a better look.

As the welder gets closer Steve notices that they’re wearing a mechanic’s jumpsuit with the top half tied around their waist and a grimy white tank that is…..abundantly filled. He jerks his eyes up when he notices that the top is slightly see-through and he can detect the coral color of her bra. She’s just taking her face mask off and shaking her ponytail out so he’s pretty sure she didn’t catch him peeping. Vaguely he recognizes her as Foster’s assistant that he sometimes sees scurrying along with the tiny scientist and Thor, but he can’t quite put a name to her. Marcy?

“Come check this out, Spawn,” Tony says, glancing at the younger woman, “Stark tech. at its finest.”

The short girl wanders over and stands behind the engineering genius and leans in, being sure to keep out of his light, and lets out a long impressed whistle.

“Daaaayum, you fancy,” she says and smirks up at Bucky who twitches an answering smirk back.

“Ex _cuse_ you, _I’m_ the genius behind this beauty,” Tony says turning to her with affronted raised brows.

Looking at the man with steady blue eyes, the brunette claps a dainty hand on his shoulder and says in a serious voice, “Ya did good, kid.”

Everyone but Steve and Bucky either snort or roll their eyes at the obvious quote from something, and Tony opens his mouth to deliver a snappy comeback.

“Hey,” Clint calls excitedly, “What’s _this_ do?” Steve turns to see him holding an odd shaped gun-type weapon towards the huddle, and then it’s an explosion of motion as Tony, Banner, Foster and the assistant frantically wave and yell at him.

“Nonononono-“ (Foster)

“Uh, I don’t think you want-“ (Banner)

“You pull that trigger Birdbrain and you’re-“ (Assistant)

“Put it down and back away, Grabbyhands!” (Tony)

“Woah, woah, woah!” Clint cries, sticking his hands (and the weapon) in the air. Slowly turning he places it delicately back down on the work bench amongst other oddly shaped things, “ _Sheesh_. No need to get your pannies in a knot, guys, I’ve got my hearing aids in.”

“Why are you here anyways? Other than molesting my stuff,” Tony demands, snapping Bucky’s arm panel closed.

Clint gives him a long WTF look, “You were supposed’ta have some, and I quote, ‘bitchin’-“ he does air quotes and everything  “-new arrows for me to look at. Three days ago.”

Tony blinks in shock, “ _Three_ days ago? Shit, Lewis, what was in that coffee you made us?”

The thusly dubbed ‘Lewis’, aka Assistant, snorts and rolls her eyes, “ _Coffee_ , duh. Seriously dude, like you guys need anything else to fuel your science benders. Then I’m just punishing myself.”

Striding forward she holds her hand out to Steve, “Hey. Darcy Lewis, head of the Creative Inspiration Department-“

“She’s the _only_ person in the Creative Inspiration Department,” Tony cuts in.

“Ace Science Wrangler and president of Knitter’s Anonymous. We meet in the west wing Commons on Thursday evenings, barring alien invasion, Nazi-type uprisings and Top Gear marathons.”

Shaking her hand in greeting (and trying to not notice the way her chest bounces in response to the motion) he introduces himself, “Steve Rogers, nice to meet you,” He releases her small hand and she turns to the still seated former Soviet assassin, gives him a slow perusal, running her eyes down and back up in appreciation so blatant Steve feels _his_ cheeks heat.

“Bucky Barnes,” he says raising his bionic hand in greeting and flashing his trademark grin, giving her a returned and equally appreciative once over, “Nice t’ meet’cha.”

“Hey Darcy” Dr. Foster calls as she walks up with her laptop. Darcy, aka Lewis, aka the Assistant, turns away from them and focuses on whatever it is the good astrophysicist is trying to show her, talking in science gibberish. Steve’s eyes drift to her shapely backside and just….stares for a moment in admiration before he realizes what he’s doing, blushes slightly and turns his head away only to catch Bucky doing the _exact_ same thing he’d been doing a moment before, without a lick of shame, an appraising look glinting in his blue eyes.

“So, what is that thing anyways?” Clint asks Tony, gesturing at the shiny vehicle taking up the center of the floor.

“That,” Tony says with obvious relish and glee that someone had finally asked, “Is a Herkimer Battle Jitney-“

Steve twitches a flinch when three voices ring out, “ _Junk_ _it_!” in a tone far too loud for a room that echoes.

“The ‘finest non-lethal military vehicle ever made’. With, you know, a few Stark twists and upgrades.”

“No way, man,” Clint breaths hustling over to the beast in excitement, “No _freakin’_ way! You guys built a _Herkimer_ _Battle_ _Jitney_!” whipping out his phone he swipes and thumbs a contact, raising it to his ear as he circles the Jitney.

Turning to the two WWII survivors for more awe-inspired praise of his genius and seeing blank looks on their faces instead, Tony rolls his eyes and tosses his hands into the air, “Oh come _on. Mystery Men?_ Champion City? The Disco Boys? No? Seriously, why am I even surprised anymore when you old fogies don’t get a major pop reference? This is like, strike three-hundred-fifty-two guys. You reach four hundred and I’m gonna have to take your G cards back.”

Steve shares an eye roll of his own with Bucky, “All right Tony, why did you build a- ah- Herkimer Battle Jitney?” he asks, humoring the wirery billionaire. He’d been a little on the glum side ever since Vision decided he liked girls and shacked up with Wanda. Empty Nest Syndrome, Sam called it.

“Hey Nat,” Clint says into his Starkphone. He had climbed to the top of the thing and opened a round hatch that seemed to be the only access point and was halfway in, “The Geek Squad built a frickin’ Herkimer Battle Jitney. No, for real real. What? How’m I supposed to know why Banner didn’t tell you- whatever just get down here jeez. It’s a _Herkimer_ _Battle_ _Jitney_!” he disappears into the belly of the chrome beast.

“Well that’s a stupid question,” Stark says, “The right thing to ask is why haven’t I built one _sooner_.”

“Duh,” Darcy drones from where she, Foster and now Banner were congregated around the laptop, “Because you didn’t have super awesome badass me running your Creative Inspiration Department before, _obviously_. Sheesh, aren’t you supposed to be a wunderkind or something?”

“Again, Lewis, you can’t be a Department if there’s only _one_ of you. I swear sometimes, if we didn’t share DNA. Anyways, the Jitney’s going to be our newest Avengers ride once we’re finished with it. Needs a coat of paint.”

Steve blinks at him in confusion, “But….we have the Quinjet Tony.”

Rolling his eye so hard he might strain them, “That is such a Shoveler thing to say. No vision,” he sends a disappointed look the good Captains way.

Banner lifts his sproingy head up and asks, “So we decided he’s the Shoveler? Who’re you again Tony?”

‘Who’s the Shov-“ Steve starts to ask.

“Seriously Bruce, we’ve been over this a bajillion times. I’m Dr. Heller,” Tony crosses his arms over his chest.

“In your dreams, dude. Saying it a bajillion times doesn’t make it true.” Darcy sasses, “If anyone’s Dr. Heller it’s Bruce and Jane. Like that’s a no brainer. We voted. You lost.”

“You’re Captain Amazing or Casanova Frankenstein,” Jane says decisively, “We’ve talked about this, Tony.”

“Or he could be the chicken, since he never stops clucking,” Bruce murmurs with a smirk.

Fluffing up in outrage (not unlike a pissed off chicken) Tony opens his mouth to retort.

“And who would I be?” Natasha asks, amusement warming her voice as she strides in with Sam and Rhodey, wearing his whisper-quiet exoskeleton.

“The Bowler,” Stark says, not missing a beat and facing the new comers, “Though _I_ voted for the sexy Asian lingerie ninjas. Outnumbered.”

Sam whistles as he takes it in. “Daymn. You guys really did build one. Clint wasn’t lying.”

“What else did you guys make, Tony?” Rhodey asks, knowing his best friend far too well. Ultron was not actually a surprise at all when it all went down.

“I’m glad you asked Rhodey-my-buddy. Over on the table we’ve got the Blame Thrower, the Shrinker-“

Smirking at Sam Darcy tells him, “You and Rhode’s tied for the Blue Raja.”

“Could be worse.”

“-Glue Grenades, we’re still working on the Canned Tornado-“

“If I’m the Bowler who’re you?” Natasha asks Bucky, who shrugs as he has no fucking idea what everyone was talking about. He’d been busy screwing Darcy with his eyes.

“The only one that seemed to fit was Mr. Furious,” Bruce answers her.

Suddenly a round cylinder thing pops up from the top of the Jitney and a deep thrumming noise fills the air.

“Oh, shit,” Says Darcy.

“Hit the deck!” Tony warns but it’s too late as all the metal scraps and tools and utensils around the lab start flying at the thing. Everyone ducks and doges as best they can; Nat has to do some quick unbuckling as her utility belt starts dragging her towards it with Bruce holding on but luckily she gets free. Bucky is tossed onto the concrete floor as the stool is yanked out from under him.

“FRIDAY! Kill it!” Tony yells and instantly the noise stops and all the metal that’d bunched around the electro-nuclear magnet drops to the floor.

The hatch is popped and pushed open revealing a giddy Clint with a smile wide enough to split his face, “Holy shit!” he crows, “It fucking worked! _Badass_! Wait till I tell Laura!”

Everyone just sort of stares at him for a cool minute then Jane says, addressing the room, “He’s the Spleen.”

“Sweet- wait, what? No I’m not!”

“Tony,” Rhodey says calmly, “You guys didn’t build a Psycho-Frakulator too, did you?”

“uhhh……” Tony stalls as the scientists (plus Darcy) exchange quick looks then try to act casual, “No?”

“Goddamnit, Tony-“

Steve just shakes his head and sighs as Bruce and Jane get deep into discussion about the magnet readings and Rhodey and Tony fight and Nat and Sam go over to the stupid Herkimer Battle Jitney to inspect it with Clint. Feeling like he’s suddenly being watched, he looks to the side to see Darcy staring steadily at him, unblinking.

“Um, yes?” he asks, not really wanting to know.

“I find your shoulder to hip ratio disturbing.”

“Uh…” he has no fucking clue on how to even follow up that statement when Bucky saunters up next to him and smiles suavely at the curvy girl.

“Hey.”

Cocking a hip out and resting her hand on it, “Hey yourself.”

“So if I’m Mr. Furious in this picture who’re you, Sweetheart?”

“I’m his girlfriend, duh.”

Smile turning sultry, “Oh, yeah?”

“Bet your sweet ass. Wanna come to my place and watch it on Netflix? I’ve got like, nothing in the fridge but I make some mean pancakes, dude.”

“A dame after my own heart.”

Shaking his head vigorously at the complete fucking ridiculousness of everything happening around him, Steve turns on his heel and stalks out of the room full of crazies. Buck could fend for himself the next time his arm shorts out.

If he went home and watched Mystery Men, it was only to research who this Shoveler person was. He found him to be a man Captain America would have a drink with, and decided to take the likeness as a complement.

If he measured his shoulders and hips after his shower that was his own damn business.

 

Fucking R&D department.

**Author's Note:**

> the Herkimer Battle Jitney doesn't exist, no matter how cool it would be, and is from the Mystery Men.  
> Every weapon mentioned is created by Dr. A. Heller, who is from the Mystery Men  
> If you haven't seen Mystery Men, I suggest you do, it's full of Smashmouth-y goodness.   
> I'm not sure how Darcy/Tony are related in this. they just are. Daughter, long lost sister, cousin, time traveling aunt, whatever floats your boat.  
> the Avengers as Mystery Men:  
> Tony- Captain Amazing/Casanova Frankenstein  
> Bruce- Dr. Heller  
> Rhodey- the Blue Raja... Maybe the Shoveler's wife?  
> Steve- the Shoveler   
> Sam- the Blue Raja  
> Nat- the Bowler  
> Clint- the Spleen  
> Vision- the Sphinx  
> Scott- I'm thinking Blue Raja or Invisible Boy  
> Peter- is totally Invisible boy  
> Wanda- I feel like she would also be the Girlfriend, not a Mystery Men  
> Thor- the Sphinx


End file.
